Surviving Retirement Without Killing Each Other or Divorcing

Watching the attractive silver haired smiling couples on television- retirees- embrace the joy of their leisurely life style, who would suggest, unhappiness, discontent, possible divorce might be in their future?  We work with the anticipation of enjoying the “Golden Years”, earned years of retirement living:  travel, recreation, time for hobbies, leisure, whatever floats our boat. No more alarm clocks, routines, simply, life as we want to live it.  Sounds good, but their is another reality to this. What we overlook is how many years we have been in the work world, and how much those years impact who we have become. For men, particularly, their worth is equated to their work. Personal identity evolves from job, career. Women tend to be less inclined to this way of thinking. But, for all of us entering into  this new phase of our life, retirement,  it is an adjustment, a change that can create some problems for our marriages.

Several years ago when my husband and I were only contemplating retiring, a former colleague (newly retired)  shared the following scenario with me: “We wake up in the morning, put on the coffee, then sit at the kitchen table planning our day. The most important part of the planning being where we will eat lunch.” Now as this half of the now retired couple, joyfully, relayed the routine of her every morning, I am thinking, “yuck, this is not how I want to spend my every day, 24/7.”  I thought that then, and my thought remains the same. There has to be more in one’s daily schedule than planning lunch for the day.  How about going out and volunteering, taking a class, meeting “your” girlfriends or for him, “his old buddies” from work or to the golf course, something other than a lunch date.

Recently, I overheard an interview on the radio. Dr. Susan Brown of the University of Kentucky, Louisville was discussing her new research, “The Gray Divorce”. What she had discovered was that many couples with 20, 30 even 40 years of marriage were divorcing. And, this was occurring in significant numbers. These long married couples (of particular interest to me, many were second marriages)  had decoded they had another 20 good years of life.  With the few good years left for them,  they no longer wanted to spend it in a marriage that lacked happiness, contentment, affording them the “best” of their remaining years.  They were willing to risk financial loss, breaking their adult children’s hearts, even ending a marriage of notable longevity. As I continued to listen, I came up with my own theory: I wonder how many of these couples were in a “dual retired marriage”?

Change, no matter how anxiously anticipated, no matter how grand and glorious, takes some adjustment. Retirement is a big adjustment to a very different phase in life. When I was getting close to retirement, I did my best to convince my husband, Jim, to keep his small business, stay working for a couple of years longer. It was to no avail. He was ready to be “out”- retired. So we both began our lives as a dual retired couple.  I certainly had my doubts on how we would spend these endless days of “retirement.”

I think we have done okay. At least we are still married, neither one of us are missing any body parts due to frustration with each other. And, I think we still enjoy being together – but we also, enjoy being apart- and, that I think is very important. When we both are at home, we give each other some “separateness” along with “togetherness”, or as we say, “some space.”  We each have our interests.

In our work world, we went separate directions, interacted with other people, came home, shared the day, usually over dinner. Now, typically, we aren’t keeping to any schedule, going out to interact with others, we could be together 24/7. And, that is why I suggest going separate ways for some of the day. Find a hobby, a book club, a volunteer activity, something that gives each one of you, a stimulation, an interaction that you enjoy apart from your spouse. Then you have something to talk about, you have something that gives you a different experience. It personalizes you, not seeing you as only a part of a whole. We all need to be seen as individual.

” Togetherness” is the flip side of the “separateness” – joining the two makes for a good balanced retired life style. Joining an organization, volunteering together, socializing with other couples, playing Bridge, coming together with other couples who share similar interests. Now is the time that we can enjoy those Golden Years together, and have the best of the best, as a retired couple.

Patricia Bubash, M.Ed, LPC
Counselor / Author / Speaker
Stephen Minister
St. Louis  314 842 5460http://www.successfulsecondmarriages.compatriciathecounselor@successfulsecondmarriages.com
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