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A New Milestone

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Mar 17 6

I just went over 80,000 page views. Yea Me. With WordPress new stats page I can now follow how
many countries are tuned into my blog. Would you believe that I have readers in over 101 countries.

I started this blog to help people with their personal lives, their marriages and most importantly their sex lives.
My comments have been overwhelmingly positive on here and I thank all the readers and commenters for your input.
One wonders if there is anybody out there actually reading your advice.

My number one detractors have been women for whom I have held accountable in their role with their men.
This is not surprising as the number one complaint that I get in my practice of marriage, relationship and
sexual coaching is that women don’t make it safe for men to tell them the truth if it has anything at all
to do with critiquing the woman. Women invariably will go all defensive, yell, scream, call him names
and/or cry with the goal of teaching that no good man to never do it again. What they do is kill their
own relationships. They ALWAYS reserve the right to critique husband but does not believe in the husbands
EQUAL RIGHTS to critique her.

If you force someone to shut up and keep their feelings to themselves like that you are in the process
of killing your own marriage or relationship. They will withdraw away from you and eventually the relationship
will fail.

Women you need to be able to listen to your man’s complaints about you and instead of going all postal on him you
need to ask him: “in what ways can I resolve this or make this better for you?” and then listen and follow his ideas
as much as possible. The relationship that you save can be your own. This is doubly important if you have
kids at home. Kids in a single parent family have the odds staggeringly negative against them. Most of the
problems in our country can be directly or indirectly traced to single parent families.

I am open to critique on this milestone. I am also open to guest posts on here. So feel free to drop me a note
in the comments section or drop me a line at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com. Also if you are having marriage, relationship
or sexual problems I will be only too happy to help you. I give an unheard of in the industry money back
gurantee.

blessings on you and yours
John Wilder

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The Story of How I Got To Be in The Helping Professions

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Feb 18 1

The Story Of How I Got To Be Me In The Helping Professions
May 18, 2011

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home. I had a cold, distant and alcoholic mother. I had an unbelievably cruel father who enjoyed inflicting pain on my two brother s and me. Some examples: He hit me full force with a punch to my nose, shattering it for the sin of interrupting him when he was talking. He told me to take a bath and go to bed, leaving my broken nose untreated. 3 years later I experienced something that has profoundly changed me for life. My 6 year old brother rebelled in a way that came to haunt us. He went over to his school in the summer with another boy and threw paint all over the school. The police were called and they were caught and brought him home. My father said that he would take care of it. He took him back into the bedroom where he shared with his 3 year old brother, next to my room where I was. He proceeded to beat him with a belt and would not stop. I was convinced that he was going to kill him.

I desperately wanted to stop him. At 12 I was trying to figure out how to stop my father from killing my little brother. I considered that I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. I thought about my baseball bat. I was plagued with doubts as I tried desperately to figure a way to stop my father while hearing the blood curdling screams of my little brother being savagely beaten. I thought that I could go in and threaten him and he would stop. Then I realized that he would take the bat away from me and use it on me. Then I thought that I could go in and hit him in the head and knock him out. Then I realized he would wake up and beat me with the bat so enraged that he likely would kill me. Then I thought of hitting him in the head so hard that I killed him. The thought of going to jail for life stopped me. In the end I sat in my room in tears and desperately hating myself because I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. He continued beating my little brother until he exhausted himself. He had to go and sit down in his recliner to rest. After resting for a half hour he went in again and beat on him yet again. I don’t know how my brother survived it and my little brother was terrified at age 3. There were many other beatings in the household.

As I got a little older, I was always picked on by bullies and always cowered because of my father. That incident so filled me with rage that two years later, I got into a fight with a kid who squirted chocolate milk on my white shirt at school. I beat the crap out of him and then had to beat the crap out of another guy right afterwards. Then two days later had to beat the crap out of someone again. It was an awakening for me. No more did I have to tolerate bullies. I told the old man that the beatings were going to stop at home or I would beat him to death and meant it, unafraid. Never again would I fear another man.

I wondered at man’s inhumanity to man. Like all kids who were abused as kids, you grow up bent in one of two different directions; you either grow up to be a bully or you grow up to join the ranks of the helping professions. I decided to get into the helping professions because there was no one there to protect my brothers and myself when we needed it.

I see marriages breaking up, parents fighting in front of kids and terrifying them. Using kids in the parents battle against each other. I want it to stop and I am willing to do whatever I can to stop it and help couples get along and grow and nurture each other. That is my goal as well as my dream. Please help me to spread the word.

I offer a money back guarantee and a half hour free consultation. Email me and I will call you and set up a phone appt to help. I can help with kids, your sex life or your relationship. You have absolute anonymity with me. I want to help and I am good at it.

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The Holy Grail, How To Stop Fighting with your Spouse and Relatives

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Sep 1 1

This blog post was reposted on the Spiraturally Raw Website and thanks to April for posting it.
John Wilder

All Blog PostsMy BlogAddTHE HOLY GRAIL! How To STOP FIGHTING With Your Spouse or Relatives & Conflict RESOLUTION SKILLS!!! Posted by April Villarose-Matta on September 1, 2011 at 1:00pm
View Blog
How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse or Relatives, Good Conflict Resolution Skills

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything.

The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are you combative or collaborative?

Do you want to win the fight or resolve the problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER!

Ask, “In what way can we solve this problem?”

When you attack your spouse, they tend to want to counter attack which only escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and its solution mutual rather than a contest and argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship. There is another reason: your children sense the tenseness or worse yet see you fighting. It scares them and they have no way to resolve it, make it better or the ability to get away from it. This is literally torture for your children. It upsets their digestion, their sleep, and their emotional well being. Fighting in front of children is never okay. If you really need to have a fight, find a way to get the children somewhere else where they don’t witness it.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in people and animals. Men tend to feel it more profoundly because of the testosterone in their systems and because nature gives them a strong “protector instinct”. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amounts of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to be releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing in a very short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine having the need to urinate or sneeze and you can’t do it and you are stuck. It is a miserable feeling. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. When you internalize this stress rather than venting it through fighting or fleeing, you do a lot damage to the body and the relationship. Many times violence can ensue especially with men. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will often say that they lost their temper. In fact, they used their temper. Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other, usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. Men because of their superior strength tend to use that strength to bully the wife and sometimes hit the wife. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength so as to use it to protect our wives and family, not use it against her. Men note the message at the end of the verse; if you misuse your strength against your wife, God will not answer or heed your prayers. That is a powerful warning that is not nearly emphasized enough in churches or Sunday schools today. There is far too much violence against women. I believe that the disrespect and violence against women by men is in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism has in this writer’s opinion swung entirely too far the other way, one should not dismiss the feminist notions as completely without merit. There were and are legitimate causes for anger on the part of women. The Christian response to some of these concerns was another movement called: Promise Keepers. It is a Christian men’s organization whose principle tenants are that we as men need to be better husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here are scriptures relating to anger especially notable to men.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8

A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women you also have a responsibility to keep a happy and peaceful home. There are numerous commands in the Bible regulating your conduct with your spouse as well. The following verse is representative of those commands.

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to turn on and gives him tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.
So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them.

However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by both men and women. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue?

The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN.

You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like they unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused you of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.

AVOID THE “YOU DO IT TOO” RESPONSE

You need to address the complaint of your spouse and deal with it responsibly instead of trying to say they do the same thing or something else similar. Once that the conflict is resolved to your mate’s satisfaction, then if you have complaints ask to take your turn at voicing your complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of the problem, you have to be honest. You can’t just claim it is a 10 all of the time. You have to honestly rate the severity of the problem as well as the spouse has to rate it honestly. Make allowances for whoever has the bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

Flipping a Coin To Decide the Problem

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9

Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in particular. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home?

And a further biblical note:

If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18

You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WON’T STOP YELLING

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names or use insulting or demeaning language to them, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt, it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme to a more appropriate meaning:

Sticks and stones can only break your bones, but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a relationship coach.

Or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

John Wilder

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How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse

By Leave a Comment
Aug 10 7

How To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse or Relatives, Good Conflict Resolution Skills

Nothing kills your sex life and hurts your relationship like fighting. It is imperative for the health and continuation of your relationship to learn to resolve conflict peacefully. I always tell my relationship and sexual coaching clients to go home and rent two movies and study them: THE BREAKUP and WAR OF THE ROSES. It is another example of art illustrating and imitating life. Now there is no such thing as a couple who are going to agree on everything. The key to a good relationship is being able to resolve those differences without hurting each other and inflicting damage on the relationship. Learning to resolve differences peacefully is one of the keys to having a good relationship and great sex life.

QUESTION: Are you combative or collaborative?
Do you want to win the fight or resolve the problem?

ATTACK THE PROBLEM, NOT YOUR PARTNER! Ask, “In what way can we solve this problem?”

When you attack your spouse, they tend to want to counter attack which only escalates the problem. Instead of accusing your partner, Make the problem and its solution mutual rather than a contest and argument.

Resolve Differences Quickly

Let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26 This passage from the Bible is obvious and requires no interpretation. It is a simple command to resolve differences quickly. The reason for this should be obvious. You know when you and your spouse are fighting, the mood is toxic. It stresses and damages the relationship. There is another reason: your children sense the tenseness or worse yet see you fighting. It scares them and they have no way to resolve it, make it better or the ability to get away from it. This is literally torture for your children. It upsets their digestion, their sleep, and their emotional well being. Fighting in front of children is never okay. If you really need to have a fight, find a way to get the children somewhere else where they don’t witness it.

There is a syndrome called Fight or Flight Syndrome. This is a coping system in people and animals. Men tend to feel it more profoundly because of the testosterone in their systems and because nature gives them a strong “protector instinct”. What happens when you feel stressed and threatened, the body releases massive amounts of adrenaline in your body. The purpose of this adrenaline is a simple survival mechanism. The idea is that you can use the adrenaline to run away from your opponent or predator faster than they can chase you and catch you. The other option is that you have so much adrenaline in you that you are able to successfully fight off an enemy or predator. The body is designed to be releasing and dissipating this adrenaline by either fighting or fleeing in a very short period of time. When you do neither, it creates a tremendous amount of stress in you that is not good for the body. It is internalized. Imagine having the need to urinate or sneeze and you can’t do it and you are stuck. It is a miserable feeling. In fact this kind of unrelieved stress is one of the main causes of heart disease and heart attack. When you internalize this stress rather than venting it through fighting or fleeing, you do a lot damage to the body and the relationship. Many times violence can ensue especially with men. This is why the Bible is so clear and unequivocal about resolving conflict and resolving it quickly. Here is another scripture verse to back that notion up:

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother (friend, wife, husband, other relative) has anything against you; Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Mathew 5:23-24

In other words it is so important to resolve the problem immediately because of how an argument can fester and get out of hand that Christ commands that you leave church in the middle of the service to go and reconcile the problem.

LOSE YOUR TEMPER

People will often say that they lost their temper. In fact, they used their temper. Couples often use anger to control and manipulate each other, usually one is stronger than the other and bullies their partner with their anger. Men because of their superior strength tend to use that strength to bully the wife and sometimes hit the wife. This is unhealthy for the relationship and is inexcusable according to the following biblical passages:

Likewise you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

God gave us men superior strength so as to use it to protect our wives and family, not use it against her. Men note the message at the end of the verse; if you misuse your strength against your wife, God will not answer or heed your prayers. That is a powerful warning that is not nearly emphasized enough in churches or Sunday schools today. There is far too much violence against women. I believe that the disrespect and violence against women by men is in large part responsible for the rise of feminism in this country. While feminism has in this writer’s opinion swung entirely too far the other way, one should not dismiss the feminist notions as completely without merit. There were and are legitimate causes for anger on the part of women. The Christian response to some of these concerns was another movement called: Promise Keepers. It is a Christian men’s organization whose principle tenants are that we as men need to be better husbands, fathers and Christian leaders.

Here are scriptures relating to anger especially notable to men.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Psalm 37:8
A wrathful man stirs up strife; but he that is slow to anger appeases strife. Proverbs 15:18

Women you also have a responsibility to keep a happy and peaceful home. There are numerous commands in the Bible regulating your conduct with your spouse as well. The following verse is representative of those commands.

The contentions of a wife are like a continual dripping. Proverbs 19:13 In other words like a continual dripping faucet.

We can all agree that men should not physically beat on women. Many times as indicated in the above biblical passages, women don’t have a problem beating verbally on men. The problem is, not only does it hurt your relationship but is very problematic for the husband for a number of reasons. By verbally beating on the husband, you cause the fight or flight syndrome to turn on and gives him tremendous unresolved stress. When the argument goes on, it makes it worse for the man and he gets more and more stressed to where he can explode and hit the wife. Your children are also stressed in this way. They feel the stress of that same Fight or Flight Syndrome and they are powerless to do anything about it. Continued stress of this type can cause heart disease and heart attack.
So the Bible is pretty explicit that hasty anger is not good for relationships and that anger needs to be controlled. Anger is not to be used to beat someone with or to get our own way by manipulating and intimidating them. However the Bible does not say that you can’t get angry. You can get angry, but you have to control the anger:

Be angry and sin not. Ephesians 4:26

So you see that anger is a human emotion, but you must control it, not use it as a weapon but express it so as to resolve the problem. Often when a person gets angry, they start yelling and raising their voice. This is simply a ploy to try and scare someone or attempt to manipulate someone. This is not an appropriate use or expression of anger. Screaming is an equal opportunity sin by both men and women. It also causes the Fight or Flight Syndrome that was previously spoken about. Invariably when one person yells, then the other person responds in kind which simply escalates the argument and gets it to the point where people are out of control. Here is what the Bible says about that:

A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

So how do you keep peace with your spouse when there is anger over an issue. The key is to keep emotion out of it. The first rule when your partner is angry about something is to SHUT-UP AND LISTEN. You let them get everything out that is bothering them. Now the temptation here is to interrupt them and correct them over an issue that you feel like they are unjustly accusing you of. False accusations are not that abnormal as people tend to over-reach when they are angry. You wait until they are completely done before you try and correct them. The key is that you want the spouse to get out all of their frustrations. If you interrupt them, it just makes them madder. You keep quiet until they are done. Once you feel like they are done, you ask them if they are done. Sometimes, they are just taking a breath and re-grouping their thoughts. If they have more to say, listen. If it is a lot, take notes on what they are complaining about so you don’t forget or try to interrupt them to tell them you can’t remember everything that they said. Once they assure you that they are done, then you ask them if it would be okay for you to repeat back the main points of their argument so that you are sure that you understand and don’t want to forget anything. Usually they will be tickled to do that. Once you have re-stated the case, ask them if this is everything that they talked about. Once they have agreed that you have all of their points. You then go to the next step. The next step is to ask them: “in what way can I fix this and make it right? There is nothing to argue about with this point. They will usually have an idea on what you can do to make it right and they will tell you. You can then go back and correct what you feel like they unfairly accused you of. You avoid sarcasm and raising your voice, you simply quietly state that you disagree with the point that you feel like they unjustly accused you of. Now if what they are asking for is unreasonable, you counter offer and suggest that you feel like that what they are asking for is too much but you are willing to counter offer a solution. You then can begin negotiating the solution to the problem. If you can take the anger and attacks out of the argument and make it about problem solving, it is much easier to resolve.

AVOID THE “YOU DO IT TOO” RESPONSE

You need to address the complaint of your spouse and deal with it responsibly instead of trying to say they do the same thing or something else similar. Once that the conflict is resolved to your mate’s satisfaction, then if you have complaints ask to take your turn at voicing your complaints.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

There is a good way to negotiate. You can say: “alright on a scale of 1-10 how do you rate this?” If your partner says for them it is an 8 and for you it is only a 4, you agree to give them their way. Again this is just about problem solving rather than attacking each other. You can always propose an alternative solution. In assessing the degree of the problem, you have to be honest. You can’t just claim it is a 10 all of the time. You have to honestly rate the severity of the problem as well as the spouse has to rate it honestly. Make allowances for whoever has the bigger problem. This is peaceful productive problem solving.

AGREE TO DISAGREE

There are times that you are just diametrically opposed to their proposed solution and the two of you can’t reach an agreement. You could start beating on each other emotionally or you could “agree to disagree”. There is nothing wrong with that. In this way, no one is wrong, you are both convinced that you are both right but neither party will concede. Just agree to disagree.

FLIPPING A COIN TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs 18:18.

When getting to a solution is imperative and neither side will budge then the only peaceful solution is to settle it by a flip of the coin. Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree and stick by it.

And Jesus said: Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God. Mathew 5:9 Due to the sinful nature of man, we have a natural predilection to fight among ourselves. Being a peacemaker contributes positively to society at large and families in particular. Will you endeavor to be a peacemaker in your own home? And a further biblical note:
If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18 You can’t make anyone do right, but you can control how you react and what you put into the relationship. Are you doing everything that you can in your relationship to live peaceably with your spouse?

DEALING WITH A SPOUSE WHO WON’T STOP YELLING

If you are faced with a partner that yells and gets verbally abusive and won’t be calmed down and this is habitual, you have to make a change. You can’t force the person to behave appropriately. What you can do is to remove yourself form the situation. You simply go get your keys and get in the car and leave for several hours. Don’t answer your cell phone or texts from the person demanding that you come back. After several hours, you come back home and tell the person that you will talk if they are willing to talk to you without verbally abusing you and yelling at you. If they start in again, you simply leave again and stay overnight somewhere if necessary. It is not likely that you will have to do this more than 3 times and the person will realize that you are no longer going to put up with the abuse. If you don’t take a stand and make it stick, the abusive person will continue the abuse.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t call your spouse names or use insulting or demeaning language to them, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse.
7. Do not interrupt, it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme to a more appropriate meaning:

Sticks and stones can only break your bones, but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

When you can’t resolve the problems between the two of you then seek out the services of a mediator, or a relationship coach.

Or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

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A Story Of How I Got To Be Me In The Helping Professions

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Mar 30 0
     
     
     

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home. I had a cold, distant and alcoholic mother. I had an unbelievably cruel father who enjoyed inflicting pain on my two brother s and me. Some examples: He hit me full force with a punch to my nose, shattering it for the sin of interrupting him when he was talking. He told me to take a bath and go to bed, leaving my broken nose untreated. 3 years later I experienced something that has profoundly changed me for life. My 6 year old brother rebelled in a way that came to haunt us. He went over to his school in the summer with another boy and threw paint all over the school. The police were called and they were caught and brought him home. My father said that he would take care of it. He took him back into the bedroom where he shared with his 3 year old brother, next to my room where I was. He proceeded to beat him with a belt and would not stop. I was convinced that he was going to kill him.

I desperately wanted to stop him. At 12 I was trying to figure out how to stop my father from killing my little brother. I considered that I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. I thought about my baseball bat. I was plagued with doubts as I tried desperately to figure a way to stop my father while hearing the blood curdling screams of my little brother being savagely beaten. I thought that I could go in and threaten him and he would stop. Then I realized that he would take the bat away from me and use it on me. Then I thought that I could go in and hit him in the head and knock him out. Then I realized he would wake up and beat me with the bat so enraged that he likely would kill me. Then I thought of hitting him in the head so hard that I killed him. The thought of going to jail for life stopped me. In the end I sat in my room in tears and desperately hating myself because I was not big enough or strong enough to stop him. He continued beating my little brother until he exhausted himself. He had to go and sit down in his recliner to rest. After resting for a half hour he went in again and beat on him yet again. I don’t know how my brother survived it and my little brother was terrified at age 3. There were many other beatings in the household.

As I got a little older, I was always picked on by bullies and always cowered because of my father. That incident so filled me with rage that two years later, I got into a fight with a kid who squirted chocolate milk on my white shirt at school. I beat the crap out of him and then had to beat the crap out of another guy right afterwards. Then two days later had to beat the crap out of someone again. It was an awakening for me. No more did I have to tolerate bullies. I told the old man that the beatings were going to stop at home or I would beat him to death and meant it, unafraid. Never again would I fear another man.

I wondered at man’s inhumanity to man. Like all kids who were abused as kids, you grow up bent in one of two different directions; you either grow up to be a bully or you grow up to join the ranks of the helping professions. I decided to get into the helping professions because there was no one there to protect my brothers and myself when we needed it.

I see marriages breaking up, parents fighting in front of kids and terrifying them. Using kids in the parents battle against each other. I want it to stop and I am willing to do whatever I can to stop it and help couples get along and grow and nurture each other. That is my goal as well as my dream. Please help me to spread the word.

I offer a money back guarantee and a half hour free consultation.  Email me and I will call you and set up a phone appt to help.  I can help with kids, your sex life or your relationship.  You have absolute anonymity with me.  I want to help and I am good at it.

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Here Is Another Relationship Site I Recommend

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Mar 22 0

This couple is doing a great job on their blog, I recommend that people visit their site regularly.  Best Wishes

John Wilder

Intimate Conversations

{ March 21, 2010 @ 5:35 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ Tags: , , }

I am only 23 and have been married for 2 ½ years. With that being said, Red flag #3- Lack of sexual desire (see previous post for Red Flag #1 and #2) is not one of my problems, although I have heard many people say “You just wait.” One thing I have learned through reading, listening, and observing, I have come to the conclusion that through the ups and downs of life we have forgotten how to desire our spouses. A book I am reading called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, gives an example of a couple who has been on the outs for years. The wife states in his book that she won’t meet her husband’s needs because he has not met hers.  As I talked to my husband about this he stated, “How selfish is she?” Nate felt that if she would be more concerned about his needs than her own, then she would be getting the fulfillment she was asking for.

I think about it this way, even if she was “meeting his needs” how was she meeting them? What I am getting at is if she is just laying there and not fully participating, what is he really getting out of that intimacy? Nothing. We all know that most men’s #1 need is sexual intimacy; however, some women think that just allowing their husbands to use them is satisfying enough. What they are missing is that the whole intimacy act is much more than just going through the motions. Just as women want their men to participate in conversations why would participating in the act of sex with our husbands be any different?

My other point to ponder is how is withholding sex helping the conversation? Most men are not that great at communicating to women in general. Referring back to “Proverbs 31: 11-12” Blog, I discussed that men only share their intimate details with their wives. If we have shattered that trust then they will hesitate on sharing with us. Participating in sex reinforces that trust, because as Shaunti Feldahn talks about in her book “For Women Only” that having an intimate life with your husband makes him feel like he can concur the world and give him the confidence he needs to feel like he can open up to you. Back to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs couple, the wife felt the Lord had spoke to her about meeting her husband’s needs first. When she did, she reported she could not get her husband to shut up. I do not know what caused their relationship to spiral in the first place but by her meeting his needs I assume she created that security he was needing to feel like he could open up to her.  

Men need and want to feel desired just as women need and want to be desired. In fact, is that not what “Chick-Flick” movies are based on? The women in those movies are chased after, fought for, and cherished. I have often wondered if one of the reasons why some men do not like to watch chick flicks is because when we as women watch them, we build these underlying expectations for the men in our lives to meet. Even though it is just a movie, we hope and dream for those guys to show up. When they fail us our actions speak louder than our words. Especially when we with hold the one thing that makes them feel like they are the top dog.

The bottom line goes back to what Nate stated in the beginning, if we focused more on each others’ needs then our needs will be met. If they are not being met, then find the gentlest words you can find and try talking through those issues.  And always remember Luke 6: 31 states “Do to others as you want them to do to you.”

Thanks,

 Amanda and Nate Cadwell

PS. Check out Nate’s Blog at natecadwell.wordpress.com and don’t forget to live me you thoughts.

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Saving Face

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Feb 2 0

When people argue, they go on the attack against the person that they are arguing with.  People are hard wired to fight.  The problem is that there has to be a winner and a loser in a fight.

People will fight to the point of dysfunction to avoid being the loser in a fight.

People need to learn to attack the problem instead of the person.

There is an oriental philosophy of “saving face”  This is widely practiced in oriental culture.  It is the notion that you show respect for everyone and that you would never ever consider doing anything that would cause anyone embarrassment, humiliation or becoming socially uncomfortable.  It is essentiall the “Golden Rule” on steroids.  This is something that we should practice in our Western culture.

Instead we are loud and abrasive and opinionated and it is all about I, me, mine.

We are known as Ugly Americans in other cultures with good reason.  This practice is the reason that we have a 50% divorce rate in this country.

 In JapanJapan divorce rate is approximately 27%. One in every four marriages ends up to divorce. According to Reuters, The number of divorces annually has almost doubled since 1990, with 264,000 couples formally breaking up in 2000. From 2000 to 2004, there is a little bit drop in the divorce rate in Japan.

If we compare the japan divorce rate with the divorce rates of the other countires:
Divorce rate per 1000 couples

Japan: 2.2
USA:4.0
Germany: 2.4
France: 1.9
Italy: 0.7
UK: 2.6
Sweden: 2.4

So we see that our so called civilized culture has nearly double the divorce rates of other cultures.  How civilized our we?

As a western society we have embraced the disposable lifestyle.  We discard kids, families, for the immediate gratification.  As a result of this disposable mentality with our kids, we are far down on high school graduation rates as this chart indicates.

We need to do better as a society.

High School Graduation Rates in Select OECD Countries [120] – Country [980] High School Graduation Rates in Select OECD Countries [120] – High school graduation rate [981]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
  Denmark  96% 
  Japan  93% 
  Poland  92% 
  Germany  92% 
  Finland  91% 
  Switzerland  88% 
  Czech Republic  85% 
  France  85% 
  OECD Average  82% 
  Belgium  79% 
  Ireland  76% 
  Slovakia  73% 
  United States  72% 
  Sweden  71% 
  Iceland  70%
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How to Stop Fighting and Resolve Conflicts Peacefully

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Jan 24 0

Fighting comes naturally, peacefully resolving conflict does not.  I am sure that you can remember all too well fights that you have had in your own relationship.  The problem with fighting is that no one wants to “lose” the fight so we lock into combat that almost always escalates into dysfunction.  That dysfunction can be screaming, throwing things, cursing and/or hitting a spouse.  I had a couple as a client locked into dysfunction.  The woman had gotten into a pattern of screaming, cursing and throwing things.  The husband admirably did not hit her, but tried to keep the peace because of what the wife’s tirades and tantrums did to the children.  She once broke her own finger by repeatedly slamming the front door harder and harder. Problems were never resolved, she just bullied the husband to get her own way. I could not reach her and they ultimately got a divorce.  She continued these patterns in a subsequent marriage.

     I always tell my clients to first go and study two movies from the rental store:  THE BREAK UP, and WAR OF THE ROSES.  You can see art imitating life.  Study these movies and see yourselves portrayed in these movies.  Watch and see the mistakes that they have made and that you have made similar mistakes as well.  Children are terrified when they hear parents fighting.  Remember the scene from PRINCE OF TIDES when the young children ran and jumped into the bay.  They lived in an idyllic setting on an island.  They escaped by running out of the house and jumping into the water.  Most children don’t have that option and simply suffer through the fights, terrified.

     To avoid those problems and dysfunction, I have listed some techniques that are guaranteed to work if you will use them.  I tell my clients that they both need to agree to changing their ways.  They also need to forgive each other and have the old familiar slogan from the playground:  A DO OVER.  Admit that you have both made mistakes and that as a couple you want a do over and agree to rules that I have listed for peacefully resolving the conflict.  A great idea is to adopt the physicians vow about dealing with your conflicts;  “ First, do no harm.”

     When a spouse is angry with you, the first rule is to SHUT UP AND LISTEN.  I know that it is hard to do.  You need to let them get out everything that bothers them before you counter their arguments.  Once they are done, ask to repeat back what they said so that you and the spouse are sure that you understand the problem.  Then ask:  “In what way can we resolve this problem”?  This goes a long way to resolving the problem.  Calmly discuss solutions.  “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” Proverbs 15:1

 

                                                    AGREE TO DISAGREE

 

     Too many times people are locked into winning.   The problem with winning is that there is also a loser who will feel humiliated.

  Better to “agree to disagree”.  In this way, neither party feels like they have “lost” the argument.

                                                        FLIPPING A COIN 

   If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution:  “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.”  Proverbs

     Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue.  You both have to agree in advance that this will settle the issue, and then stick to it.

                                             NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

     When you are in a discussion where you both have a point of view that you feel strongly about, there is another alternative.  You can agree to negotiate the argument for a peaceful settlement.  You can do this by adopting a 10 scale.  You each assign a numerical value form 1-10 depending on how firmly you believe your side is worth.  You have to give an honest evaluation.  Using a 10 where there is absolutely no room for negotiation, to a 1 scale where you could go either way. Come up with a legitimate number to assess your position.  Suppose your

spouse is at a 7 and you are at a 4 then you agree to give in to the spouse’s 7 to make for a peaceful resolution.

                                            SPLITTING THE DIFFERENCE

     Another good way to resolve the argument is to simply compromise half way between the two points of view.  Both parties feel like they got something and don’t feel humiliated.

                                    The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1.     Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.

2.     Don’t ever hit your spouse.

3.     Don’t curse at or call your spouse names, it is abusive.

4.     Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.

5.     Don’t withhold sex to get your way.

6.     Do not scream at your spouse it is abusive.

7.     Do not interrupt; it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.

8.     Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.

9.     Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?     

10.   Don’t give people the “silent treatment”.  It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

I have re-written an old nursery rhyme that is more appropriate:  Sticks and stones can only break your bones but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

     Remember, your job as a spouse is to nurture your spouse.  You can’t do that when you are being self centered.  According to Dr. Laura Schlesinger, self centeredness is a leading cause of divorce.  You also don’t nurture your spouse when you attempt to bully them in an argument instead of peacefully resolving the conflict while respecting them and their feelings.

 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man (woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:  for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.  James 1:19

     The big problem is that the vast majority of people don’t heed the above scriptural mandate.  Most people are doing just the opposite:  they are quick to anger, quick to speak and slow to listen.  If you can follow the scriptural mandate, you will be amazed at how much better your marriage works.

     Finally, if you can’t resolve an argument, then seek out the services of a marriage coach. Avoid marriage counselors at all costs.  The dirty little secret in the industry is that marriage counselors have a 75% failure rate according to some leading counselors turned Marriage Coaches like Dr. Willard Harley, author of HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS and Michelle Weiner Davis, author of DIVORCE BUSTING. Marriage counselors have you come back for weeks and talk about feelings.  Coaches concentrate on resolving problems in a short period of time.  Ifyou need help, put into your search engine and look for marriage coaches, or just email me at marriagecoach1@yahoo.com

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