This is guest post from Men’s Health Magazine, enjoy. John Wilder
Surrender. Exposure. Dominance, risk, urgency. When 1,430 women told us about the most erotic experiences they’d ever had, those psychological commonalities emerged. Likewise, patterns were clear in their physical descriptions of the sex: It was rushed, it was rough, it was innovative; she felt confident and in control—even when tied up!
What’s going on here? Experts have at least one unifying theory: Passion is primitive. “In the days of nomadic tribes, sex was probably a very public experience,” says Matthew Jones, Ph.D., author of a study on exhibitionism in the journal Sexuality & Culture. “The idea of privacy hadn’t yet come about—people hunted together, ate together, and had sex together. Exhibitionist urges may be a throwback to that.”
But as women traded their animal skins for teddies, they became more hush-hush about sex—and realized that naughty secrets are way more fun. Lucky for you, we coaxed them into sharing. Here are women’s most carnal thrills, and how you can make them come true. (And for thousands of tips that you can unlease in bed, check out The Men’s Health Big Book of Sex.)
“We were having an argument in his car when all of a sudden things started to get hot. The yelling stopped—we kissed so hard, and then I was naked on top of him, having really good sex in the car, which was parked in front of my house. We totally forgot about the fight.”—Julia, 21
The guy: New boyfriend
Her thrill factor: Rushed
Makeup sex mixes two volatile elements: emotional resolution and physical connection. “There’s a lot of fire and energy in your body—you’ve just experienced a huge surge in adrenaline from the fight,” says Marianne Brandon, Ph.D., a sex therapist and coauthor of Reclaiming Desire. “That creates a powerful sense of release.” It may be impossible to cool that combustion, but it helps to ask: Is this makeup sex. . .or sex to make up? “Sex shouldn’t be used as a Band-Aid for unresolved conflict,” says Justin Sitron, Ph.D., an assistant professor of human sexuality at Widener University. “It should be the result of renewed intimacy.” Julia’s example was spontaneous; if there’s time, make sure she’s in the mood too. “Smile at her and see if she smiles back. Or make a joke about your argument and see if she responds positively,” says Brandon. “You can also try a more tender approach, like rubbing her head or touching her face.”
“He tied me up and then went to town on me downstairs, using his mouth and his hands. Then we had doggy-style sex. It was totally amazing!”—Lauren, 28
The guy: Casual boyfriend
Her thrill factors: Illicit, self-confident, rough
Of course this gives you, Big Dog, an awe-inspiring, primal view. But what makes it so arousing for her? For women, the thrill of rear-entry sex may be more mental than physical, a recent study from Wayne State University found. “Women feel a certain level of exposure that they don’t necessarily feel in other positions,” Brandon says. “And the sense of vulnerability helps them feel erotic.” That’s not to say the physical aspect is lacking, though—for some women, doggy-style can be a prime position for G-spot stimulation, says Sitron. If your partner craves face-to-face connection (or feels shy), suggest having sex in a modified spooning position—that is, with your stomach resting on her side—so you can still make eye contact. Another option: doggy-style in front of a mirror. Speaking of which. . .
SEX IN FRONT OF MIRRORS
“We both came twice while we watched our reflection in the mirrors.”—Natasha, 30
The guy: A stranger
Her thrill factor: Self-confident
Sure, mirrored ceilings are a sexual cliche—but for good reason. “During sex, mirrors let you occupy two perspectives: the exhibitionist and also the voyeur, since you’re viewing yourself,” says Jones. Fooling around in front of mirrors also offers you a new view of her: “You can see aspects of your partner’s body that may be lost from other angles—how she sweats or flushes in certain areas, the way her back arches,” says Sitron. If seeing her in action is what excites you, ask her to masturbate while you watch indirectly through a mirror. “This adds another voyeuristic layer,” says Sitron. And about masturbation.
“My boyfriend took the time to make me feel comfortable and really sexy before asking me to masturbate in front of him. He maintained eye contact and kept telling me how beautiful I was and how hot it was to see me lose control. This has become a staple in our foreplay—sometimes we even start off by masturbating together.”—Sara, 21
Need more hot ways to get her off? Check out the Sex Position Playbook.
The guy: Boyfriend
Her thrill factor: Exhibitionistic
Letting someone else in on your solo sex life can be nerve-racking for both men and women. But it can also be enlightening and intensely intimate. “You see your partner at the height of pleasure, without the question of, ‘Am I performing well?’” says Sitron. She may feel self-conscious at first, so suggest masturbating at the same time under the covers while maintaining eye contact, says Brandon. Reinforce how arousing she is, and eventually she may become comfortable tossing the sheets aside. And then you’ll see exactly how she likes to be touched. Take notes.
“My boyfriend and I were in the Gulf of Mexico, playing in the water out really deep. I straddled him, and we started kissing and grinding on each other. Soon my bikini bottom was pushed to the side, and his board shorts were undone. We had to grind very slowly because a couple of ladies were not too far way.”—Angela, 25
The guy: Long-term boyfriend
Her thrill factors: Exhibitionistic, rough, romantic, rushed
The risk of being caught was cited by 38 percent of the women in our hottest-sex survey. “Whether or not others see you, exposing yourself to the risk of discovery is an act of exhibitionism,” says Jones. “You just have to believe you might be seen. The sensory arousal of fear combines with the sensory experience of sex.” In other words, your brain may interpret that fear-fueled adrenaline rush as passion. “Start with kissing outside at night. Darkness feels safe, and most women are comfortable making out in a semipublic setting,” says Brandon. If she seems at ease, propose going further. You may find that she’s surprisingly receptive-more than a quarter of women in our survey named outdoor, public, or semi-public places (like a car) as the hottest spots for sex. And it can naturally combine with. . .
“We were house hunting and I went to check out the bathroom. He crept up behind me and pressed his body against my back. He ran his hands down my neck and caressed my breasts while nuzzling my ear and biting my neck. He massaged my clitoris through my clothes and then turned me around, passionately kissed me, and ripped my clothes off. We had sex against the wall—and then decided to buy the place!”—Jessica, 26
The guy: Husband
Her thrill factor: Rough
Nearly half the women we surveyed said their most erotic experience involved “rough” sex. You don’t have to go all whips and chains, though. “Rough doesn’t necessarily mean painful,” says Brandon. “It’s probably more about very intense, primal sex—almost animalistic.” A couple of beginner moves: light hair-pulling and biting. Start by grabbing a sizable chunk of her hair—the sensation will be less intense than if you take hold of a few strands—and pull at the roots, not the ends. Then engage in a little gentle nibbling—inner thigh, nipples, neck, ears—and then eventually progress to biting. You need to apply only about as much force as required to bite into a banana, says Sitron. Just make sure to communicate throughout the encounter so you know that she’s comfortable and as aroused as you are. Then maybe you can start to introduce . . .
“We did it Fifty Shades style before it was a book: dimmed lights, lots of mild bondage, blindfolds, feathers and ice to tease, taking sexy photographs, different rooms in the house and all different positions. It was all about doing things that felt taboo.”—Skye, 29
The guy: Husband
Her thrill factors: Innovative, sensual, rough
Sure, Fifty Shades of Grey took bondage mainstream, but women have been fantasizing for decades about being tied up. In fact, even in the 1980s—the era of Fabio—researchers concluded that the plots of romance novels “suggest a desire for domination.” But it’s not so much the external—the leather and cuffs—that excites her as the internal experience. “Bondage is really about playing with an aspect of yourself you don’t often experience in daily life,” Sitron says.
It’s okay to use Fifty Shades of Grey as inspiration, but your ultimate goal should be to find out what arouses both of you as a couple. An easy starting point: “Tying her hands with your necktie may mean a lot more to her than using handcuffs,” says Sitron. “Or you can try vinyl straps with Velcro, which can feel less permanent but are still strong.” To give her license to unleash, establish a safe word to signal discomfort. Sitron’s suggestion: Choose a color, like “fuchsia”—it’s a word that isn’t likely to come up in sex play but won’t completely kill the mood either (like, say, your grandmother’s name would).
SEX AFTER BEING APART
“My boyfriend and I hadn’t seen each other for at least a week, and I came home to new lingerie and a candlelit apartment. We did it everywhere and in every position possible! The best was fast, rough doggy-style. It was a night of multiple orgasms.”—Emily, 23
The guy: Long-term boyfriend
Her thrill factors: Self-confident, exhibitionistic, romantic, rough
Distance primes you for sex as thrilling as your first-time hookup. “When you’re not around each other all the time, you can appreciate aspects of the relationship you might not notice when you’re buried under all the mundane parts of daily life,” says Sitron. The key to reheating the relationship is initiating reconnection before you come home—she may have forced herself to not think about you, since it would only make her miss you. So before your arrival, shoot her a sexy text—What’s your favorite part of having sex with me?—and then plan something romantic for your reunion. “What does she appreciate in the reentry process?” asks Sitron. “For some women, bringing back a box of gourmet chocolates can help connect her to your experience. Others might want a massage and downtime.” And when you finally do come together. . .
“For New Year’s Eve, we made a plan to delay pleasure so we would both be able to reach orgasm at midnight.”—Chimene, 34
The guy: New boyfriend
Her thrill factor: Sensual
Chimene’s example is good for special occasions only. Part of the amazing high of simultaneous orgasm is the serendipity of it, says Sitron. Plus, “It’s hard to do. You don’t want sex to become an obstacle course, leading to this one thing that means you did it right.” That said, climaxing in sync is associated with higher sexual, relationship, and life satisfaction for both sexes, according to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Just don’t expect intercourse alone to do the trick—the study revealed that few couples consistently peak together during penetration. “With intercourse alone, it can be difficult to reach orgasm purposefully,” says Citron. “Men climax quickly through intercourse, while women may have a harder time.” So pick a position that slows you down, and speed her up with a vibrator. Or try 69—orgasm through oral sex can be easier to control.
WOMEN DIVULGE THE HOT MOVES THEY CRAVE, BUT ARE TOO SHY TO SUGGEST
“Put my arms above my shoulders. Hold them down so I’m just dying to touch you back but can’t.”—Christie, 25
“Blindfold me so I can’t watch what you’re doing.”—Christine, 21
“Stop treating me like I”m made of glass. Soft, sensual ssex is nice, but sometimes I need you to make me feel dirty.”—Amanda, 23
WOMEN REVEAL THE STEAMY WAYS THEY’VE REACHED SEXUAL NIRVANA IN THE BEDROOM
“We ordered a bunch of toys—vibrator, dildo, bondage cuffs, liberator pillow, lube—online, and had an ‘unboxing night’ at his house.”—Skye, 29
“He asked me to send him pictures of what I like, positions to try, fantasies. Doing research on Google Images makes catching the train to work more interesting.—Lauren, 28
“While he’s inside me, I’ll make him stop just for a second to feel me tighten.”—Melanie, 24